(Bee-t-r) Verb- One’s decrepit motor coach; another word for rolling POS; quite frankly, one key turn from the car compactor.
If you have never owned a beater you should indulge in this experience. There is something about rolling down the highway at 70 miles an hour just wondering when something else will fall off of your car. It is exhilarating. It’s living on the edge… much like a roller coaster at a theme park as it clicks up the big hill; my beater clicks up the hill not because it is full of fun loving passengers, but because it has a very bad transmission. Much like the roller coaster, with every click you are thinking, “are we going to fall back down?” or “will this thing stop when it gets to the bottom of the hill?” How about “will it stall when taking off from the bottom of the hill?” or my favorite “why is there smoke coming out of the a/c vents?”
I will have to admit that it is not all fun and games… especially when you have cars behind you wondering why you flew around them going down the hill, but now that you are at a stop you can’t go more than 15 MPH for about 2 of the most frustrating minutes of your life… all the while waiting for your tranny to get out of first gear. You can be sure that most likely they have not enjoyed the fruits of a free car. A car that bravely tries to get you from point A to point B with limited clicking, stalling, and smoking. Please indulge me and close your eyes and try to picture a guy in a 97 Chrysler concord as he is rocking back in forth trying to help the momentum of the beater. It may look like you are passing a victim of a violent crime trying to not go back to that place. You know what I mean… trying to find ones happy place. 
All that said, I have fun with my beater and I advise you to think of new ways to keep it new and interesting… well, old and interesting. My favorite way is to play car tag, yes car tag… the new sport for those that don’t play sports. Let me give you some kind of idea how this game is played. First, you have an agreement with one or more of your friends and their beater as well. This agreement is that you can hit their car at will as long as there is no damage to the mechanics of the beater. In other words you make my car no go… you lose. The game gets to be more fun when you start putting money on it or when you start knocking out headlights or taillights. Other than that there are no other rules, so if you see me rocking in my chair trying to make my car go one minute and then ramming into my friends car the next you know that I am not crazy.
This may not be the game for all you beater owners out there, but it will inspire spontaneous laughter. Of course the questions from friends and family (especially the giver of the free beater) “why is this fun?” “What if somebody gets hurt?” Or “what will you do if the cops see you?” Even, “what if I wanted the car back?” All I have to say is; because it is destruction, and that is always fun, its funnier when somebody gets hurt (you know that’s true no matter how much you want to say otherwise) just think of the look on the cops face when you tell him that it’s a grown mans version of smear the queer. And to the last question, why would anyone want this car back? Who gives a car and then wants it back?  That would make you an… nevermind. That is the bigger question, besides you won’t want it back when I am done with it.
*this article was featured on September 18, 2007
