There are few things I dislike in the this great nation: country music, brake lights on the interstate, KFC, brussel sprouts, and last of all, soccer. Why does soccer get the article? Because I just came from a “pro” soccer game with my wife and her family. Why you ask, if I hate soccer so much, did I go to this event? Well, because her grandpa was inducted into the hall of fame and all the family was there… so, well, okay it was free!
Soccer is what the Germans did after they got tired (or caught) killing Jews and spreading communism around Europe. Ok not really, but I think it is hard to watch dudes running around trying to kick the ball into a goal the size of my garage and never get it in there. No scoring equals snoring from me, even the halftime show sucked. So what else can I write about this subject? Well, I can tell you to not let your kids get sucked into this cult-like sport and lose their dignity altogether. Now my mother-in-law says that soccer is the most physically demanding sport out there, but to her defense she is German and has never used the Internet. Had she not been German she would know that there is life outside of soccer and its called football… American football. If she could use the Internet she would discover that I was writing this article and then I would not receive the great Christmas gifts she gives me.
So I will say in closing, to my mother in-law, lay off junior he is going to play real football. To the rest of the world, there are very good reasons that soccer will never be cool. First is… the Germans created it. Second, people like real action not a bunch of grass fairies trying to get a 8’’ ball into a 20’ hole… which is why it is probably popular in the rest of the world… because nobody scores, everybody feels like a “winner”.
