Americans love road trips, at least the good majority do. I only recently started to like these trips; I used to dislike them very much. Usually they were so very long and uncomfortable… not to mention I wasn’t going to places I really wanted to go. This has only recently changed because now I do the driving and if I don’t want to go I don’t go. I am a little bit of a control freak when it comes to driving. If I am not at the wheel life sucks… I am serious too… I don’t like to be a passenger. I can’t sleep in cars while others are driving, only when I am driving. I can’t read when driving… no matter if I am driving or if some one else is, it makes me sick to my stomach to take my eyes off of the road. So you see I am bound to the wheel forever, I have to be in control.
Enough about me, what kind of driver are you? I bet I know… you are the fella that stays in the left lane even when you are going slower than the traffic on your right. That means you are the single reason for rage on the roads. I don’t recommend road rage, road rash, or even rocky road. I just think if certain people knew their place on the highway less of us would be ready to through down at a moments notice. For example, if you are in the fast lane you better be at the very least going faster than anyone in the lane next to you. Think of the fast lane as a runway, you are getting ready to pass someone when you jump over into it and then you are surprised at the flood of horns and middle fingers behind and to the side of you from people wanting to get around you. This is where I come into play I am the guy that goes around you on the right nearly missing your bumper and the guy in front of me. I call this skill… most people call it reckless, but they either are not very talented in the field of aggressive driving or they are the people in the fast lane going slow. Either way this scenario would cause the people around you to be very unhappy and aggressive. So move!! Then keep your middle finger to yourself. I always say if you are ready to go toe to toe with the person that you are flipping the bird then by all means go for it. If not you belong in the slow lane, think of it as training wheels.
Now that my venting session is over we should talk about onboard urination, or as I like to call it…pissing in a bottle. I feel as though I have perfected this art. Driving down the road at 80 mph with the steering wheel in one hand and the bottle of piss in the other. Now you know why I am dodging traffic in any lane… so there is no peeking at my pecker and so I don’t spill it. You can only imagine the anger when I have to slam on my brakes to slow down and the urine shifts rapidly to the front of the bottle only to return with more force all over the car and myself. I would much rather burn my car than to touch my own urine. So if peeing in the car it helps to have some help… and if anyone sees you just smile and wave.
Gas on these road trips can be an obstacle also. You will want to refer to my article on gas prices. Yes, that was a very shameless promotion of my other work.
So we have covered some interesting nuances of road trips here today. There will be more on this topic. So carry on with your rage, just remember to stay out of my lane and shut off your turn signal! It has been on for twenty miles!