So I was walking through the woods one day. It was a pretty average day really. It was sunny and 70 degrees and I thought it would be a great day for a hike. I was on a path that I had never been on before in a city that I had never been to. It was near the edge of the Halut mountains. As the trail started to incline and I entered a thickly wooded area, I got a strange sense of foreboding. But then again, it was a pretty average day really.
I kept moving and the evergreen trees continued to surround me. One thing I don’t care for about evergreen trees is that I do not like getting ticks and they always seem to hang out in the evergreens. Anyway, on this day I am traveling light with just a backpack with some water and a snack and I have my ugandan ebony knife.
I am on my way to a mountain stream that I heard is an excellent place for fishing when all of a sudden I hear multiple, heavy footsteps about 30 yards behind me. As I turn I see the form of a massive black bear. Pretty average day really.
So being the tree climber that I am, I quickly hop up the nearest tree that has some decent branches and height to it. The bear soon closes on my position and lets out a grunt as it stares up at me. It’s eyes were rather disappointed.
Now I wonder how long I am going to have to wait up in the tree. I pull out my snack, which is most likely what the bear wanted and have some water and spit some on the bear to see what he would do. He turns and lets out a ferocious roar and I am thinking “chill out dude, it’s just water mixed with saliva”.
All of a sudden I see a chimpanzee swinging from a nearby tree… and I realize that is probably what the bear is making a fuss about. Especially since the chimp threw a pinecone at the bear. “What the heck is a chimp doing near the Hulat mountains?”, I thought.
The chimp was in an opposite tree and the bear was beneath us both. The chimp eyed me glaringly. I figured he probably wanted my snack… or wanted me for a snack. I needed to think and think quick. Suddenly a line from top gun popped in my head “if you think, you’re dead”.
So I stopped thinking and threw my food down at the bear. The chimp went for the food… which is what I was hoping for and the bear took a giant swipe at the chimp which sent him reeling into a tree. The chimp was not to be denied so easily though and picked up a banana and started to grab my sandwich when the bear hit him so hard that he flipped him and then stepped on him and bit his neck. One down, one to go.
So I, having stopped thinking, jump out of the tree with my blade in one hand and landed squarely on the bears back. I bear hug the bears neck, ironic I know, as the bear stands up and I am hanging on for dear life. As the bear stands up I knew my window of opportunity was waning so I thrust the knife at the bears throat, stifling a ferocious growl that I am sure would have scared the begeebers out of me. The bear fell forward again and I flipped forward off his back.
The bear let out a gurgling sound, looked at me and then wandered away. Apparently he didn’t want my food anymore.
On the way back, a mountain lion attacked me and as it let out a ferocious roar I stabbed it in the throat. It jumped off me, apparently stunned and walked away. It tried to growl but could only let out a gurgling sound. Shoulda talked to your friend the bear before you tried that! That’s what I told him.
Then I went and killed a Philistine. Pretty average day really.
