What’s up what to do abouters? Are you doing good? Is life good? Me too, me too! Now that we have all the friendly banter out of the way, can I tell you a story? No? Well I will anyway, you know you like it so here goes.
I got me some boys, 1.5 year old and a 5 years old, their great! The same way a new puppy is great. They’re all cute and cuddly till they chew up your favorite flip flops and piss on your rug. This is how kids are, they chew up your shoes and then they piss all over the place. Well, this is how boys are anyways… you may have little gems that do whatever you say, but I have to put the fear of God into my kids on a daily basis.
I love my boys, they do some pretty awesome things like give me huge hugs when I come home from work, then they kick me in my balls. This is when they do another amazing thing, hide like rats in the night. I can never find them, well, I can never find the oldest but the youngest will hide under a throw pillow on the couch and giggle like a school girl till I find him.
The 5 year old likes to come down and sleep with mom and dad on occasion (when we are so tired we don’t feel like taking him back upstairs) he sleeps like he is free falling. Reaching and groping for something to hang onto and kicking his legs like he is trying to get traction. Then there is the little one that I like to call sir squeeks alot, this one loves to scream at the top of his lungs for no reason at all. As a matter of fact I just came back in from asking my wife to silence the boy while I typed this out.
If you want kids, save your money, not because the birthing process is expensive or the cost of diapers is high but because they will tear up all your crap. We have in the house 3 broken windows all of them from the boys. They have broken my DVD player remote, wrote on my walls and somehow have made my couch all depressed. You know what a depressed couch looks like? Like something that was very heavy and smelled of raisins and cheerios slept on it naked and sweaty. The cushions are square now and there are these stains all over the place. I loved that couch… and now I will not sit on it till I have on my pajamas… because they were free and from my mother-in-law.
The boys are funny though when they drop trousers and pee in the middle of the yard, or when they ask you why does mommy smell funny? And I have to tell them that mommy doens’t smell funny, that’s called perfume. They are also funny when I train them to go and get me a beer, cookies or the remote. But hands down the best moment so far happened 2 weeks ago, my 5 years old mowed his first couple of stripes in the lawn. I nearly cried… ok not really, crying is for girls. At least that’s what I tell the boys. They are an adventure that I am glad to say will be over soon, If my calculations are right the 1.5 years old will be out of the house when I am 46! This mean I will not have to look for the remote under the couch only to find it all sticky. Or never have to clean poop out of the bathroom trash can and walls! I will have my own grass to mow and trash to take out but I might be able to hire some grand kids for that.
Be fruitful and multiply, just watch out for the fruit when it flies from your kids mouth after a football game on a cold day in Ohio.
