Remember when we used to love getting the mail? Sure we were young and didn’t care a whole lot about what we were getting but it was the excitement of a letter or a package in the mailbox. Good times!
My son loves getting the mail now because his grandma insists on spoiling him through snail mail, but it reminds me of my youth. Getting the mail has taken a new road in my mind, one filled with dirty business marketing and deutsch (yes deutsch) bag chain letters.
Just last week my wife got the mail and as I walked in the door she handed me something I have seen way too many times, a flyer for something free from a car lot. These flyers would come to us all the time as a kid and I can remember my dad always being taken by them. We would all load up into the ford escort and drive to the local car lot and once there you would see these fat middle aged men in ties everywhere asking you all kinds of questions. We would then go on a test drive and us kids would get all excited about getting a new car when my dad would say “thanks anyways” and walk out.
Little did I know this is when they actually gave away free stuff like: DVD players (VCRs back then), jewelry (crappy sparklies), and gift certificates to pizza hut. Ah, this was the reason we just spent $15 on gas and about 2.5 hours at the stupid car lot, for a free one topping pizza! My dad was a sucker for free stuff, at least I learned about snake-like car salesman, thanks dad.
So yeah, she got the mail and there was a car lot flyer in it and there were promises of free stuff, which instantly reminded me of the old days with dad and the free pizza. Here on this lot you could win a car, a dream vacation, and at the very least a gift card to walmart. And there it was… the only thing you need to say to a mother of two… walmart. I don’t know what happened but there was this shift in her eyes, like she just won the mommies lottery. Diapers would fall from the sky and the kiddie pool would be filled with organic applesauce, pure euphoria. That’s when she said it “you know you have to go down there for me” to which I replied “nope”, but there was something about the way she said “I will KILL you in your sleep!” that quickly changed my mind.
After putting it off most of the weekend my wife texted me after work yesterday to tell me that “you still have that flyer?” followed by ” You should go, if you want… it’s up to you”. I smell a trap! What that means to all you single fellahs out there that think that marriage is a naked trip through paradise… where your wife cooks for you anytime you want and you never have to leave the couch… that meant you better go or I am going to cry. So I went all the way down there and I must admit that I was starting to feel a little hopeful, thinking of buying a case of beer if we got a gift card and that would be nice since it was 95 degrees outside and my ac was not working.
I pull into the parking lot and before I shut off the car there was a little latino dude standing right behind my car, vultures! I felt like dead meat on the side of the road! He quickly introduced himself and asked me what I was looking to drive away in, I replied “a walmart gift card” he then took the flyer away from me and said “oh, this is just a marketing flyer that we use to get people to come to the store”. Before he could say “come inside” I had already started to walk back to the car. He was saying “sir, sir please wait” I turned and said “thanks and you can keep the flyer”. I haven’t been that mad since the Steelers won the super bowl, not cool man, not cool.
There are two lessons to learn here 1) throw away spam mail even if it is in your mail box 2) remember leverage is what brings a marriage together…. well, not really, but anyway. Soon as I got home I told her that I was mad and that I get to write about this, and she said “fine”. Stupid, shady car salesman!
