This article was written by Steve Bache, drummer for the rock band He Is Legend, Steve is an amazing drummer and that’s an understatement.
Listen:  Since I’ve been back from the tour I did with Every Time I Die, I’ve been basically bombarded with emails, postcards, feather-pen-inked salutations and occasionally bumped into cruisin’ the mean streets of downtown Wilmington, with people all wondering the same wonder:  What to do about filling in on drums for Every Time I Die? The exchange more or less goes exactly like this:
Person:  Steve?
Me: What?
P: Hey dude, sup witchu?
M: Just chilling my good sir
P: So, I heard you just filled in for Every Time I Die on drums, from January 9th to February 5th.  What, did Mike “Ratboy” Novak hurt his back or somethin?  Like tryin out for the Buffalo Sabres or somethin? 
M: uhh, yeah. Weird that you know that…
P: Oh, and I bet you had to learn like 12 or 13 songs.  What did they give you, a week to learn them?
M: Yeah, who told you?  It was 12 songs.  They’re real awesome though, the songs that is, not the dudes IN the band.  Wait, the dudes in the band are great dudin’ dudes too.
P:  Cool, sounds like a swell time.  Were the other bands good?  Oh nevermind I don’t really care.
M: See ya later, square!
And on it goes.  So now I’d like to impart some of my new found wisdom about what it’s like to tour with ETID, in case this kind of opportunity comes up for anyone else (playing drums for ETID, that is).  When you first get the call, it’ll most likely be from Andy “if that fart was a dude, he’d ride a skateboard” Williams, their hair-covered stage left guitarist.  After giving him the a-ok, you’re in for a 3 day wait for the set list they want you to learn for a tour that starts in 9 days.  It’s cool. Do not panic.  Don’t even panic. Plan your next week accordingly: wake up, walk around your house and anywhere else you want to be (for me it was downtown), and listen to ETID nonstop until about 4.  Then whayergonwannado is go play along to all the songs on repeat and shuffle, I recommend those little white ipod earbuds under some gun-muffle headphones (to drown out your drums-a-ragin).  Also, 24 oz cans of Colt 45 are really helpful, my dosage was 1 can every break.  You’ll be fine.
When you get to Buffalo, make sure to try and fit in with the locals as smoothly as possible, people can be really cranky and territorial when their city touches Canada.  Try using sentences like:
‘Go Sabres!’
‘Go Bills!’
‘Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo!’
‘More chicken wings!’
Speaking of, the guys in ETID really like chicken wings, especially from Buffalo Wild Wings.  Which says a lot about the B-dub-dub.  I mean, people from Kentucky seem fairly indifferent about KFC, and you can’t even find an Outback Steakhouse in Australia.  But, I digest, err, digress. (get it? wow)
Once you get the set down and start feeling comfortable behind Ratboy’s Paul Frank knife-covered skull-encrusted drum kit (you’ll probably skip one part of one song the first night, but correct that mistake on night two, only to miss a completely different part later in the set), you can finally enjoy the finer things on tour, as well as watch a sweet ETID show every night, only from the back.  Who knows, you might even take shooters on stage in say, oh, Ft. Wayne Indiana, where girls are known to show their tatters to the bands just before being crowd-surfed into a trash can.  Maybe that trash can was there between the crowd and the stage, but i’m willing to bet that bin was dumped onto the crowd and surfed to the front just before the babe arrived.  As far as the “finer things”, I of course mean being sandwiched in a van between Britches “loft hog” Whatever His Last Name Is and Josh “Old Man Newton” Newton’s spot, known as “Old Man Newt’s spot.” Or listening to Howard Stern.  Constantly.  Even when the van’s off.  Because with Jordan “You lose your mind, dude (in a deaf accent)” Buckley behind the wheel, that’s what you’ll hear.  I guess the only other occurrence you’ll notice, is that Biggie “Biggie” Somethin Or Other can really work out alot, and still manage to Tour Manage a tour like he was running a plantation and the tour was a well paid, worry-less slave that didn’t have to do anything except eat, sleep, and play my drums.  What?  Biggie is as buff as he is organized is what I’m saying is the thing. 
Oh and one more thing, Keith “I’m the lead singer of an important, influential hard-core rock band” Buckley helps load in and out, will sleep in the loft or the floor, and doesn’t mind driving a lot, but he’s still always funny.  ALWAYS.  That, and he received via crowdsurf on the tour:
a hot dog with ketchup and mustard
a slice of pizza
a hat
a hot dog with ketchup and chili
an entire rack of shots in test tubes
a recently emptied trash can
a topless girl for said trash can
I hope this was helpful for all and any potential fill-in ETID drummers.  I’m sorry to say this advice and suggestion list is very band specific, so unless Ratboy hurts his back again, (we’ll say maybe cheering on ‘Wolf’ during a broadcast of the new American Gladiators”, everything you just read is useless.  For one helluva rock show, check out Every Time I Die as they headline the Take Action! Tour, Ratboy included, and get ready to head bang to He Is Legend’s new tunes coming soon.  I mean it.  You’ll head bang so hard, you’ll later quietly admit, “I just headbung.”
God luck and good speed,
Steve
