This article was written by author A.R. Horvath, check out his novel series Birth Pangs.
Not a damn thing. That’s the problem with writing an essay like this when you’re like me and don’t have a funny bone in your body. The rest of the writers know they’ve got some wit about them and wanted to stick it to me knowing that I’ve got no game, so I was assigned this essay. And the truth is, if you aren’t funny, there isn’t much you can do about it.
Now, that said, I have been studying the art of humor for quite awhile and I think I’m getting better. You know that guy in “Good Morning Vietnam”? No, not Robin Williams. The other guy. He’s got the goods and I think I might be on my way, too. So let me give you some pointers on how to be funny.
First of all, you’ve got the one liner. I’m a master of the one liner. There are some classics out there like Yogi Berra’s line “If you come to a fork in the road, pick it up.” Or something like that. You’ve got to be quick if you want to do a one liner, so do what I do, and have a handful of lines that you use over and over again. For example you don’t want to be around me when going through a checkout line when I get my change. I’ve got all sorts of good ones. For example, if two pennies emerge at any point in the transaction [COPYRIGHTED] I’m sure to say something to the effect of, “Now that I’ve given you my two cents worth, I’m expecting change.” [COPYRIGHTED]. Sometimes I get lucky and they’ll need ten cents from me. I’ll say [TRADEMARKED] “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a dime.” [COPYRIGHTED]. And if the cashier smiles, I’ll follow it with my charming, “But for you I’ll make an exception.” In a football town you can say (if the circumstance warrants it), [COPYRIGHTED] “Hey, I want my quarterback!” [PATENT PENDING]
As you can tell, these are all the intellectual property of the author of this article, but I feel bad for schooling you all in quality humor but denying you the right to use any of it, so let me throw you a bone and give you one of my favorite lines. This one works no matter what you’ve just used in your transaction. Let’s say it’s a nickel. You just say, “If I had a nickel for every time I paid someone five cents, I’d have all my nickel’s back.” Just watching them work this one out is sure to put joy in your heart, and if your wife is present, you’ll see her laughing and know that you’ve just really nailed it.
Now, if your goal is to be funny, you might be thinking of considering some of those short question and answer jokes. The briefest would be like “Why did the chicken cross the road?” These do not show that you’re funny. They just show that you can remember someone else’s joke.
Or, perhaps you’re thinking of some of those short story jokes with unexpected and clever endings. How exactly do these show that you’re funny? And when would you actually use them? Can’t use them in a check out line with cute cashiers. No time.
No, take it from a man who knows funny. Stick with the clever plays on words. That’s what I use, and look how far it’s gotten me. Hey, what’s so funny?
A.R. Horvath is the author of the book series Birthpangs
