What To Do About A BAT IN YOUR HOUSE

I like to think of myself as a man of action‚Ķone who is not afraid of much. A man of great conviction who carries with him a certain pride, musk, or scent of testosterone. Yes, a dude with a plan to never be taken by surprise, to give back what is given, plus ten… who never looks back and always looks forward, especially when confronted about his beliefs no matter the situation or measure of specific time. On that note, I believe there is a time to kill and a time to die. I also believe that there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. To everything there is a season, but, I wonder if there is a season for running and hiding or ducking and crying, or maybe curling up into a ball and sucking ones thumb‚Ķ as I find my happy place. I know, I know, I doubt it as well. Everything I tried so hard to be, in one moment was shattered by none other than a bat!

If you are unfamiliar with this animal (rodent, flying p.o.s.) then I will make it real clear for you. It’s a rat with wings. I am sure you are thinking, what’s the big deal? It’s just a bat. No its not! It is a flying, screeching, large fang bearing, and hairy little vehicle of disease. I can squash a rat… that’s easy. A bat will find you and land on your head and probably bite off your ear, not to mention give you rabies. You will run and scream and piss your pants. Well, at least that’s what my friend did, I mean, uh, I was cool. I was like “man it was just a bat, like on batman and stuff” and he was all like, “aahhh my ear”… sheeze what a girl!

Seriously, having a bat in your house sucks for any number of reasons, the only question is where to begin. Oh I know, how about… you don’t know how long it was in there or how it got in there, or maybe why it is in there? Does it have any friends? Does it have any children? Will it come back? Did it tell its friends? Did it tell its friends that it was tortured then thrown out? Did it tell its friends that it found a cool place where no body will bother it… so if they all could get in it would be great unless the human (me) gets a hold of them again. Does the bat want revenge? Does the bat have a group of ‘bad news’ friends that are just looking for a fight? Or does this bat have rabies? And was he kicked out of his own colony and have no reason to live and wants to give me the gift? Maybe he is related to a bat hit man that’s out of work and needs some practice?

Or what if (God forbid) my wife hears the screeching of said bat in the middle of the night and wants me to go check? I would rather take a bullet than hunt for an animal that likes the dark and knows he is ugly and can’t wait to fly out in front of you. As a matter of fact, I would rather take a kick to my meat and two veg. If you know what I mean?


O.K. we have established that bats suck. Now we have to deal with getting the thing out of my house. So first we just go after it (me and my friend) he has a pitchfork and I have a broom. We are two mean vigilantes on the prowl, or at least he is… I am trying to stay low. For some reason I think that a bat will not fly close to the ground. I will soon find out that is not the case at all. We creep into the basement to find the bat and we see him after turning on every light in the basement. My basement is not one of those creepy dark wet smelly places like in a lot of homes. It is fully finished with an office and a big common area that we have to cross with the fear of being dive bombed by a 1.5-pound flying terd. No fear though! So we have all the lights on and we can now see if there is any others and we have our sites set on the beast. This is where we separate the boys from the men, the sheep from the goats, the grass from the dandelions? Well whatever. The point is, I am the former. No no, not the grass but the boy.

I guess I don’t like bats or something…who knew? One thing is for sure, I like killing and this will take care of all that stored up energy, for killing that is. My friend who we will call Ed (because for the sake of typing it its only two letters) hit the bat with the fork and it hit the ground (as did I). Great! The bat was dead. It didn’t move so I got up real quick so as not to seem weak. Then after a quick high five the bat jumps into the air and of course, right for me… even though Ed was a lot closer and drew first blood. Nonetheless, the hairy bastard came after me, the weaker one. No worries though I made it back to the ground very quickly but not before yelping like an injured mongoose. This will be fuel for Ed later on when telling this story as he makes himself the hero even though, after that episode, the bat flew to the top of the stairs only to perch on the rail. This is where we wised up and decided to get it out of the house.

Finally a Tupperware bowl was good for something, it was a great cage for the beast. We now have the bat and it is our biatch. We then proceeded to take it outside where we proceeded to make it pay for its deeds. Nothing else could get the job done except for some good ol’ torture. Which I must mention that I had no hand in and wasn’t very graphic anyway. Then the release… and that is when I saw it, the glare in its eyes that said “I will be back”. It then screeched through the air flying in circles around my house. I think I heard “ you should have killed me” which is a direct quote. We were done with the bat, we could only hope that was the only one.

In my mind, the bad represents everything beautiful and pure of a wonderful bird that has gotten a hold of some very potent drugs and now wants to kill everything it sees.

Just my opinion but I can’t imagine it being too far from the truth, right?

We can’t trust them! They are always hiding and they never come out in the daytime. They sleep all the time and they never clean up after themselves. Have you ever seen a bat cave? Bottom line, if you ever see any of these bats, kill them! Hang one outside of your home as a deterrent for their friends and their relatives.

If you have a house and you find a bat MOVE. Its cool… just don’t tell the realtor. Don’t worry about being scared, its not really fear if no one hears you screaming. Just remember they are rodents and they can be stopped, a 12gauge works nicely, make sure you use both slugs you can’t be too careful.

To the bats,

You bastards stay out of my house.

P.S. Don’t tell anyone about the whole crying thing, they won’t understand.

P.S.S. You can buy me a drink if you like